My sister in law and I have been on a similar path for the past few years in that we've complemented one another in honing our quest for personal growth and understanding.
We've read similar books, chatted about our learning's, and shared inspirations by motivational thought leaders. Rachel often buys me these books for birthdays and Christmas.
Her latest offering is a book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (on a google search you'll find Oprah's a fan).
In this Lesser relays her own experience dedicating a chapter to an extra-marital affair with a man she refers to as her 'Shaman Lover'.
"I was drawn to him by a force stronger than any kind of will to turn away - as if his gravitational pull matched that of a planet," Lesser writes.
She explains: In some cultures, a person in the midst of a crisis or heartache will consult with the shaman - a medicine man or a healing witch who holds an exalted place in the society. The dictionary describes a shaman as "a member of a certain spirit world, and who practices magic or sorcery for the purpose of healing and divination."
Lesser goes on to describe the experience of meeting a Shaman Lover, which she claims has common markers.
"You will know you are on a journey with a Shaman Lover if you feel a sudden loss of control, a fearsome sense of abandon, and especially an air of foreign-ness. The Shaman Lover is not the one you thought could turn the large ship of your life around. If you thought you would be attracted to someone with money, he is broke; if you wanted respectability, she's a gypsy; if you longed for sweet romance, he's mean; if you wanted deep peace, she's trouble."
In reading this chapter I realised I had experienced my own Shaman Lover in Tristan. In retelling my experience of Tristan to my trusted and wise friend Peter, he said sometimes an experience can be so unsettling for the heart that we know never to repeat it - breaking us open so profoundly that it is too painful to re-enter. Knowing my pattern of chasing unavailable men - Peter quizzed me if I thought I could fall prey again?
"No" I vowed. "Never." Peter, looked at me smiling: "Good," he said. "So you've learned."
But just one week after this conversation, the Gods threw me another Shaman Lover. Just to make sure. Was this a test sent from my guardian angels? Did I really mean what I had professed to Peter and told myself? Was I strong enough to resist what Lesser deemed a force of planetary proportion?
And most importantly - was I ready to reject this Shaman Lover so that I would keep my focus on my true search for love?
Interestingly to really knock it to me good the new Shaman Lover was a doppelganger for Tristan.
Bede (pictured) too was 29 years old, tall, lean and 'James Franco' handsome. And just to dig the heels in deeper - Bede too hailed from New Zealand.
Bede who was christened with a Saint's name my friend Linda later told me (she has a son called Bede) sat on my couch and played guitar singing to me Jeff Buckley tunes late into Friday night.
Together we had reached this moment and place quite serendipitously - although I will say I had known of Bede's existence for a short time already.
Surrendering myself to this new 'Saint' would show all the hallmarks of reliving the sweet bliss of a Shaman Lover - but also lead to its ultimate doom.
Lesser quotes Japanese poet Fujiwara no Teika:
From the beginning
I knew meeting could only
End in parting, yet
I ignored the coming dawn
And I gave myself to you.
This time I was attuned. And I was fierce. No, not again.
Lesser tells of consulting a psychic during her affair. The (turns out spot on) psychic said:
"You are finished with Tom, your lover, but you will remain indebted to him, throughout all of your lifetimes," the psychic said. "He gave you back your body, your heart, your voice. Do you understand? When you found him, you found your own precious voice. This is the contract you had with him; he has had this contract with many others. He freed the song of your soul.
"He comes with fire to awaken the dead. And yet he burns himself with his own heat. You cannot stay with him or you will burn yourself as well. I know you love this man, so write this down: Tom, throughout all eternity, I am grateful to you for the gift of my soul's voice."
And me? I was captivated by Bede, this new Saint sent by angels, but I knew my heart could only handle one Shaman Lover in this lifetime.
Because although my time with Tristan was fleeting "he comes with fire to awaken the dead."
And the memory of that dance still burns very much alive.
