Here's looking at you kid

I had a big blow on the romance front this week. After experiencing my own 'vision quest' in New York (see prior blog entry) I knew in my heart I needed to exhaust the potential of taking things further with Tristan in New Zealand.

So despite a halt in contact for some weeks brought on by me (I knew I needed more from him than he was giving) I did an about turn and delivered him with a proposition:  How about I come and visit you in January and let's see if we can take it further?

I see eyes rolling but stay with me - I had it all worked out.

First up, there was housekeeping to sort out. I would complete my work contract and he would go to Lima, Peru, as intended for two months to volunteer his design skills to a not for profit organisation. Part of making up his Masters. In Jan I would visit him in Dunedin and stay as long as need be. Ignoring the copious signs of the past that I was not nor would ever be Tristan's 'one' I somehow thought I might be able to change his heart.  In Dunedin love could grow.

So when I reached out to him last week and suggested my idea, I felt like I'd won the lottery when he said: "I would be open to that," and "sounds like a great plan."

Those joyful feelings stayed with me for a full day! Of course a crash was only a hint away…as naturally in this scenario, doubt kept its hold in the corner of my loved up/fuzzed up mind.

Monday night before Tristan left for Lima, we organised a face to face skype date. This is when after seven months of never quite saying it in full - he came clean.

I'm just not that into you.

What's more in the time we had dropped contact, it had freed him up to meet someone else. A 'lovely' Dunedin girl his own age who had text him her number and he was looking forward to a coffee date on his return.

Despite our wonderful time together - it did not feel enough.

As you can imagine - hearing this was a terrible blow - but fortunately in the days to follow I found my head.

Of course with a little help from the usual picking up the pieces of Caroline's broken heart suspects and my dear facebook friends (wink wink) I removed the rose coloured glasses and fronted up to my own actions/choices/thoughts/feelings.

I mentioned in the prior post that my sister in law gave me the book "Why you're not married…yet" for a belated birthday present. She said not to take offence by the gesture she just thought I could get something from it.

Turns out I did approach reading it with trepidation (who cares if I'm not married... yet? Yeah!) but curiosity got the better of me.

Last night after being propped up by kind and caring words from friends Linda (more to come) and Ques - I came across this nugget:

We attract men into our love lives who reflect back what we think of ourselves.

Applying this to me and Tristan - he said it didn't feel "enough" with me.

On introspection I realised that's how I think of myself (and dare say many more women fall in this trap).

I'm not good enough for real, enduring love.

Tristan is also eight years younger which begs the question, why do I chase younger men?

I haven't grown up.

Growing up is scary - it represents putting down roots, being accountable to others, living out and accepting your responsibilities, facing up to some shoddy finances - accepting you don't look 30 anymore.

What's more - at my life stage, I'm conscious of what I don't have that my peers do. I am not a home owner, I do not have an investment property, I am not married/in a relationship, and I don't have kids.

So how do I make myself feel better about all this lack? I pull in a guy who lives with his dad to save on rent, is not a home owner, has never been married and does not have kids. And that guy is going to be younger than my 38.

But even though Tristan and I did have our connection - he inevitably wants a woman who feels more like him.

"You're champagne and Tristan's beer on a summer's day," Linda my friend of 20 years said. “He's a hiking Kiwi boy and you're a cultured woman.”

The new chick, I asked - she's beer too?  "Cider" Linda wrote. "Like beer but a bit more girly."

I wasn't ready to give up. "I'm happy to swill beer," I professed. "Yes, but you are old enough to know you can drink both. He is young and his taste buds have not yet developed," she quipped.

A simple and silly, but poignant exchange.

I'm obviously saddened things didn't work out with Tristan, but I'm also glad I can take the positives from the lows.

A spring clean of putting the beer goggles away, getting the champagne glasses out, giving them a mighty good rinse and letting the Veuve pour in.