The Vision Quest

I recently returned from two weeks in the US – the trip’s primary purpose to ‘activate’ the green card I won in the US Diversity Lottery (needing to be done by December 2012) as well determine if LA, San Francisco and/or New York could be viable cities for me to find work and live.

I stayed in airbnb accommodation (www.airbnb.com) which is basically paying slightly less than four star hotel rates to stay at someone else's house while they clear out. People are cleaning up on this site and the business behind it has become huge and profitable.  I read an article in Vanity Fair about successful start-ups coming out of San Francisco – and one of the names mentioned was airbnb.

I like the idea of staying in a person’s apartment as I wanted to get a feel for how a local lives and with guidance from my American friend, Nicole, I stayed in neighbourhoods she recommended would be a good fit.

I loved LA for its weather, San Fran for the charm and New York for its sheer pulsating mass, but it wasn’t until I sat in an East Village coffee shop in New York...that I realised where my next destination is preference to be.

A lot had led to what Oprah would term my “Aha” moment that Sunday morning. Most recently watching the film “Friends with Kids” on the plane where a New York sassy woman of 38 has a baby with her best (male) friend because they both agree time’s not on her side and with no romantic prospects in sight for either, the bestie steps up. 

The other is I met several women while away who were just like me.  Single and older – all open to the idea of children, but no closer to finding a suitable mate. For two of these women, they won’t get the chance, already well underway in their 40s. Specifically, I had arranged meetings (work purposes – not because we all shared single and childless status!) with one such woman in LA, three in San Fran and two in New York.

Of course we all know this but there are older single women everywhere!  Not just in Melbourne and/or Sydney.  Everywhere.  And I could see my course if I set on any one of these American cities. My course would be just where they were. As the saying goes (sentiment thereof) “same shit, different city.”

One other thing on the flipside of the coin that I noticed while in San Francisco and New York is a lot of young people are married. Add to that, many have children. In the Marina district, San Francisco, sporting a huge diamond engagement ring (along with their lululemon ‘uniform’) was mainstay for the pretty, slim girls at yoga class, and in New York I noticed several young couples wearing wedding bands.

I was perplexed, all these youngsters married. And they looked content and happy!  It was heart warming really. I thought - good on them, having a go.

So here I was in America, alone, sussing out work opportunities and I could see it would be a tough road – especially in city that never sleeps New York.

I thought to myself - what is it you're after Caroline? New York is a hard city.  Sure I can play tough on the work front but it's a city that doesn't show a real lot of warmth if you're on your own. And I figured, perhaps this is why all these people marry young.  Because they are there to support each other and they're making a go of it in the big smoke.

There in the East Village coffee shop it hit me. I was watching a young couple with two small kids enjoying breakfast at a corner booth and they looked so comfortable and normal. 

Never mind I had been reading a trendy New York City guide book telling me where to find the best bars and restaurants - when I looked up to contemplate the young family - I thought: "I want that”.  More than anything else right now.

While of course the idea of family and children has travelled with me throughout my late 20s and certainly into my 30s – I knew and accepted the reasons I had never got there and actually had grown  pretty resigned to being motherless. 

I figured it just wasn’t going to happen for me. I had passed on previous partners open to the idea therefore obviously I didn’t want it that much. So turns out, I do want it - it just didn’t feel right then.

The message behind what I felt is so crystal clear that I have since gone against my initial thinking that New York was ultimately going to be the “moving to” US destination.  I am now entertaining what I would think are more family friendly options like Seattle, Portland and Chicago.  My mate Sara suggests I also check out New Orleans.  I know about Boston – but it’s cold!

I relayed my epiphany to a male friend this week and he chuckled saying that I had experienced my own “Vision Quest”.  Ordinarily he said one goes on a vision quest to a solitary place but as per usual,  I had done things my own way.  I’d experienced my own vision quest amidst one of the busiest cities in the world!

This was the first time I had heard of a “vision quest” and perhaps you too - so I’ll relay what it is through a cut and paste job from Wikipedia (apparently outback versions of vision quests are pretty popular here in Australia - who knew?)

A vision quest is a rite of passage in some Native American cultures. The ceremony of the Vision Quest is one of the most universal and ancient means to find spiritual guidance and purpose. A Vision Quest can provide deep understanding of one's life purpose.

A traditional Native American Vision Quest consists of a person spending one to four days and nights secluded in nature. This provides time for deep communion with the fundamental forces and spiritual energies of creation and self-identity. During this time of intense spiritual communication a person can receive profound insight into themselves and the world. This insight, typically in the form of a dream of Vision, relates directly to their purpose and destiny in life.

I wrote to one of the women I met in the States on my return this week. At the dinner catch-up we’d had in New York I had asked her if finding a man was achievable.  She had said it was easy enough to find a man in New York – but a much harder task to find the “right” man.  In the email I said I was now leaning towards other cities outside New York in my search for a place to call home.

This is what she wrote back:

“Just keep an open mind and everything will work out. What I said about the right men being available can apply to any city anywhere really...one’s individual perspective has to change and the world starts looking a little brighter. There comes a time when we have to stop blaming our surroundings and get real with what’s happening on the inside. Ya know?! There are great communities just outside NYC like where I am now, or even parts of Brooklyn, so you'll find what’s best for you.”

She’s right.  It starts from within. Which is kind of funny that parallel but inadvertent to these events - my sister in law gives me the book: “Why you’re not married...yet” for a belated birthday present this week.  It’s a corker – and I recommend it to older single women but be warned, you’ll need a thick skin (which I have) because the author’s approach is it is ourselves that prevents the marital outcome.  In relating to myself – I agree!

With all of this – internal and external change is inevitable.  And I have a new sense of curiosity and intrigue as to where I’ll take myself next!

Postscript:

I relayed my observation to (American friend) Nicole about the youngsters being married and she suggested the reason they marry young is the US doesn't recognise defacto status as well married people get better tax benefits in the States.  So people get married.

I thought this was funny that my observation was correct and not just me playing Cinderella or some such starry-eyed, noticing these young people married. 

It is a financial imperative!