An untimely death

I remember our time mainly because it hung off one of those significant events where people look back and recall where they were when...

I dated Mati (Mathew) around the time the Twin Towers collapsed. I was living in a single fronted terrace in a one way street in Prahran, one of Melbourne’s trendy inner suburbs. I shared the house with an English flatmate and my two dogs Maggie Charly and Walter.

My flatmate used to while away the evening hours tapping at his computer ‘chatting’ on gay sites. I remember this activity being a source of immense irritation for Mati – he hated the sound of tap, tap, tap so late into the evening and would urge me to say something otherwise he threatened to go home. I never said a word and I can’t remember whether Mati left? Almost 10 years have passed.

My good friend Renato told me Mati died last week. On Valentine’s Day. Mati’s father told Renato today the coroner believed the cause of death was heart attack. There was nothing in his system to suggest suicide (Renato and I automatically assumed this as Mati was only 38 years old).

I’d met Mati through Renato and we dated for a short time before he announced he didn’t want in anymore and ended it. I didn’t love him, but I had grown to like him. So while I wasn’t heartbroken, I was upset and remember crying over it. But that was that, a clean break.

About two months later Mati called me on my mobile. I was shopping in Coles and remember standing in the aisle while Mati asked me whether I wanted to pursue a “casual relationship”. No, I said, I didn’t.

As time marched on I saw Mati on and off through Renato. He befriended me on Facebook not so long ago. I remember being proud that I could be civil to an ‘ex’ and put any uneasiness behind us. Especially impressed by my behaviour when Mati was the one to dump me!

Mati was a reformed alcoholic – I hadn’t known him during his drinking days - and while it didn’t seem to bother him me drinking – in the end, it must have as I believe this was the catalyst for him ending the courtship. Mati was in AA and would openly talk about going to meetings. Instead of booze he lent on cigarettes but was to eventually give up smoking. He had conquered two powerful demons.

Only over brunch the day I learned of Mati’s passing my father had asked: “How’s that friend of Renato’s, the one in real estate, do you still hear of him?” “Yes, I answered, he’s fine. Still in real estate, asked me about speed dating on Facebook a few weeks ago.”

It’s funny how these things happen. You talk of someone you rarely mention and then...something like this happens. I called dad to tell him the news as soon as I’d heard it from Renato. It had been so weird I said to dad – we were only talking of him this morning!

Although Mati and I were not close, his untimely death serves as a reminder how fleeting life can be. It also shows me how much I lean on my friends. Renato had invited me to his friend Cameron’s for dinner on Sunday night. Their mutual friend Sami was also there. All of us had met Mati and in sharing our shock at the news, we were providing comfort to eachother. I left dinner feeling buoyed by their company.

The funeral is on Friday and I decided I would not attend. I was not a good friend. But Renato called me today and asked if I would go with him. So I’m going to go – and now more so in my friendship for Renato. I’m sure Mati would understand. Good friends band together.

Attached photo: L- R Mati and Renato (from days gone by).

When you lose your single buddies

OK - out and proud. I have a boisterous personality and can at times be a bit of a bully. Read: loud and demanding.

As such, I've noticed the older I get the harder it is to befriend new people my own age (yet the Gen Ys are much more open to bombastic women in their mid 30s).

Case in point; when I threw a party late last year designed especially for singles to mingle, a few fellow 30 something single women came on board my bandwagon.

However, like an itch desperate to be scratched, I kinda knew the relationship with these newfound bosom buddies would be shortlived. And it was.

Here's the thing. The friends I have and that have endured their friendships with me (for more than 10 years), know that under all the perceived external 'bluntness' there is a sensitive, caring and kind person beneath. They value my friendship and I know through the ups and downs, we're in it for the long haul.

However, new women in their mid 30s who enter my life aren't so loyal.

And thus stands my dilemma.

I am 36 and single, my best friends are around the same age, coupled up and most have children. Or they're gay (men). As you will see from previous posts - I've even taken to caring for these said children on occasion, as mummy practice and of course, so I can keep my friendships strong with my valued few.

But by spending more and more time with my mates who have husbands/partners and kids, I'm not doing so much to create their life for myself. And this plays on me.

Unfortunately, the single women out there in my age group don't 'get' me well enough to stick around (nor for me to want them to). Like I said, the Gen Ys are terrific, but again, my best friend in the Gen Y bracket (who's 27) is herself coupled up.

I guess also, if I were to go out on the town with her, the men we would attract would not be right for me. This girlfriend looks like Jessica Alba and in fact when she was on a path in her early 20s to pursue acting - her agent said "we already have your look - it's Jessica Alba". For Melbourne people, my friend is a dead ringer for Rebecca Twigley. And Rebecca Twigley just got married. My point: the Gen Ys are also coupled and married!

I've watched with interest how my celebrity (single) peers are behaving - Jen Aniston is my favourite to watch, and unfortunately she just keeps going for the younger guys because q frankly (I believe this is why) she has a hot bod and has kept herself looking smokin'. Why would she want a 45 - 50 year old when she can get a 30 year old? Problem is, the younger age bracket of men are unlikely to stick it out with her when they can get Taylor Swift (who 30 year old Jake Gyllenhaal bagged).

Then Kate Winslet rebounded with her younger personal trainer - hot, but I read she's split from him too. Cameron Diaz is just plain embarrassing - a serial monogamist who repeatedly gets them but doesn't keep them - surely Matt Dillon, Cam?

Now Cam's on with A-Rod, Madonna's sloppy seconds. Downward slope.

Sandra Bullock thought she'd met her match and we know what happened there, Reese Witherspoon will hopefully experience a happy ending after her recent engagement, but it took her some time to move on from her broken marriage and rebound relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal.

And then the dazzling Liz Hurley pashing on with serial womaniser Shane Warne and (Australian model) 35 year old Megan Gale just keeps getting them younger and younger (all power to her, but if she thinks for a second her 22 year old footballer will bring her what 29 year old Andy Lee couldn't, she's going down Kylie Minogue's path (ie gets them young and then younger - while she keeps getting older. Tick tock, tick tock).

It's a disappointing world we live in this difficult dating palaver and even more so when I spend my evenings at home (yes, resorted to internet dating this week) because I lack single, 30 something girlfriends to go on the town with - the old fashioned way to meet men!

It's all a bit, god forbid, can I say? Depressing.

They say, put yourself out there (remember Sex and the City and Charlotte?) so here I am online throwing it to the universe. If there are any single, attractive men (over 5'11 and above 33 years) willing to swoon me, feel free to make contact! wink, wink. If I'm not at home (online trawling through the maze of men seeking to date 20 something, slim women) I'll be at my married girlfriend's house as the 'plus 1' for their family dinner.

Snoop dog

As a woman who fancied her career path to either take to the stage, or the pen (ie journalist), I'm one who likes to take an active interest in (almost inhabit) other people's lives - their thoughts and feelings - get the insights and know-how to what they're all about. A woman's sixth sense digs deep.

Don't throw stones at people in glass houses. I am renowned as an eternal foot in mouth girl, blunt, constantly offending or upsetting people, but it's been in surrounding myself with a wise and socially aware crowd, that I feel in my dirty 30s ;-) I'm finally coming around. I centre myself on peace (achievement with help in partnership from those aforementioned). While certainly flawed, I try to be well meaning in action and intention, and believe I'm getting there....almost.

An inheriently social person, in moments of solitude and perhaps in the name of nostalgia, I'll find myself....snooping.

Checking out facebook profiles, googling the internet for signs of 'where are they now?' - the people I've burned (or they've burned me), grown apart from, let go, broken up with or simply lost track of.

By prying into the ghosts of the past I am glimpsing a piece of what was to what is today - and it's quite intoxicating - detective like. With this folly, old friends or lovers, become yours again when their photo smiles back at you in albums posted and their voice is heard through wall post entries.

For weeks post a breakup I would intermittenly check the facebook profile of a society ex girlfriend of his - I liked to see her latest photos - check out what she was wearing, doing, observe through the privacy of my own home and safe screen divider, how her life was panning out post him. In my eyes, we were the road kill of a shared but defunct relationship with a fallen prince. With the dulls of heartache lifted, so has the spell of cyber courting her, he's gone and she no longer rates on my radar of concern....although I do someday think I would like to meet her in real life. There I go again. It shouldn't matter because when you move on from past loves so do you move on from the insecurity of having their ex-girlfriends live somewhere there in your psyche.

And just like ex loves, the ex girlfriends, broken friendships, and lost acquaintances are probably best left in the reality of the past not to be revisited -as tempting as it is with one click of the mouse.